I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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