my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
