I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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