Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
