someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My ATM looks so different sober.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
