i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
