Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
It's no shave November. This is our time.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
