Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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