How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
