Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
