My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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