i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
