I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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