He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
