it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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