cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
