So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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