Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
