The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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