Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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