Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
it's like heaven, but drunker
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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