all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
