I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
