I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize