Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
