my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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