the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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