i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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