life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
