He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
