How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
