So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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