Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Well youโre enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and Iโm currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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