ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Rumble strips road head = magical
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
