I accidentally had phone sex last night
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
