when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
