im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
