its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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