HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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