i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
