I need to stop coming to work sober
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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