just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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