I can't breathe out the right side of my face
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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