don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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