I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She's the barista slut.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
false alarm, still single
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