Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize