I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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