coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
