I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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