I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
