Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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