Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize