hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We left the knife in your bed.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
