So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
